I never realized how fragile I am when faced with failure
For academic thingy, as far as I remember, never I have disappointed my parent
There are times where my ranks were sucks, but mostly it always satisfied me and them
School and college, I always got in the place where they want me to be, exactly
In a relatively smooth way
Yet they never put a pressure to me about it
They proud of me, and that's my main target
Eventho it's the only real thing I could absolutely proud of
Then exactly before entering college, I met internet
I realize such a scumbag I am, blaming my failure on another thing, but...
Before I know internet, I always did my homework, never thought of it as a burden
Eventho I've seen it in high school, how my friend's study disturbed that much by internet
But I never realized its true power till I experienced it myself
So many interesting things!
Then college start
I made a foolish priority
And my grades falling apart
But still, no matter how narrow the gap, I passed all the course
And it made me lazy as hell
Because I felt that I had a power to make it through the narrowest
I never, ever, learnt
So full of myself
I didn't know what a failure is...
And in the last hurdle
In the hardest course
Where the number of people failed was so very little
One of the course that is required as a graduation condition
And the regret hit me
So very deep
For not doing one assignment, for not study harder before exam
For make it least priority eventho it's hard like hell!
Just because my mid-test above the average
Just because my group assignment's well done
Many of my friends experienced harder than me
But this is the first time I felt it myself
I never felt like this
My mind always occupied
I couldn't sleep
I couldn't do another thing
I stopped crying, thinking, and found motivation
But then my mind would be occupied again...
And I went back to the deepest pit...
Then in the desperation
And it... cleared my mind, like nothing have ever done
My tears of desperation stopped
I'm not religious person
So the fact it stopped my tears easily like that
Hit me so hard...
My failure still in my mind, but it's not occupying it
I could do another thing, I could put another thing to my mind
It gave me courage to tell about it to my parent, eventho in tears
And my parent consoled me
How it's my first failure, how it was given to me so that I could learn about it
I could guess they wouldn't angry, but I couldn't guess they would console me to the point like that...
I'm so relieved...
How I tasted a failure
How I tasted a prayer
Well, what a spoiled person I am
It's not that happiness is always in my life
There are times where my home was like a hell
And inside, me myself is not a cheerful person at all
But I know, I have everything that I need...